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The Westphalia Retort

The “die is cast”, as they say, and I’m surely not going to be the one to break the mold. Outsiders are often amazed at the number of members in our group who regularly attend our monthly “business” meetings. Perhaps some of that secret lies in the liberties we take with the standard for such events, “Robert’s Rules”, which spells out the familiar procedures used in the conduct of such affairs. As Bill Koski says, our agenda usually looks something like this:

• OLD BUSINESS
• NEW BUSINESS
• MONKEY BUSINESS

We get done whatever needs to be done, to be sure, but it just seems to be our nature not to take ourselves too seriously. Regular readers of the Weekly Feature page will certainly have noted that tendency here as well. I’m sure the occasional newcomer to our midst must wonder what the hell he has gotten himself into, but then there’s that whole “birds of a feather” factor as well. Like any good Irishman, I always seem to be able to find that one briar in a thistle patch and be just as amused as my friends at my own misfortune. It all may seem a bit frivolous, but we are who we are, and it would be a dismal life indeed if the 6:30 news report was all we had.

And so it was that our resident member electrician returned from his annual trip to Arizona with one of his trademark “Westphalia Report” sessions at our last meeting. We all know John is a hard working successful businessman and technician, who gives freely of his leisure time to our club, along with his entourage of cohorts, toward making our showgrounds and facilities a brighter place to be. A good example, we think, of that fact that life isn’t all just about wires and wattage, transformers and trenches, or whatever one does for a living, it’s about the “living” itself, and having a little fun in the process. Toward that end, we offer the following piece, done a few years back just to have a little fun at John’s expense. After all, no good deed goes unpunished……

THE WIZARD OF WESTPHALIA
by Frank Young

He knocked on the door, with an attitude sure
And he looked like he knew what to do
With toolbox in hand, you know he's a man
That can do the job right for you
" It's just a bad wire, and I don't want a fire
So I called for your help right away"
" No cause for alarm", he said with some charm
" We'll be done by the end of the day"
" No need to be nervous, we'll fix up your service
And tonight there'll be light in your house
So go up the stairs, while I do the repairs
I'll try to be quiet as a mouse"
He opened the box, with no fear of shocks
And a smile that made her feel calm
She just couldn't see, the explosion to be
When her house would go up like a bomb
From the tool that he held, came an arc that could weld
A beam on the Golden Gate Bridge
His fingertips singed, his jaw came unhinged
And their food was all cooked in the Fridge
His hair was all curled, on one foot he twirled
And he looked like he'd just seen a ghost
The tool was repelled, and the whole basement smelled
Of something akin to a roast
The wires inside, they melted and fried
And they drooped all the way to the pole
" I regret to report, that you've got a slight short
And I'm burned clean through to my soul"
But he put in some new, and he pulled them on through
Then hooked them like they ought to be
He shook like a Quaker, and reached for the breaker
Not knowing what next he would see
Though he stood back in fright, what happened was light
The story is true like I'm claimin'
What could have been tragic, was transformed like magic
By the Wizard of Westphalia, John Lehman

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